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You know them... those waiters/waitresses who turn obsequiousness into
a weapon, whose solicitous inquiries are perfectly timed to destroy
your jokes and intimate moments... something like this:
YOU: ... so, finally, the third farmer turns to the bartender and
says, "Hey, that's not a duck, that's---"
[Waiter appears out of nowhere]
WAITER: How is everything? [beams smugly]
YOU: Fine. So he says, "Hey, that's not a duck, that's a---"
WAITER: Can I get you anything else to drink? [All the glasses are full]
YOU: No, no. Anyway, "That's not a duck, that's a---"
WAITER: [to your companion] And for you, madam?
HER: Hmm? Oh, let me see...
[You give up; the waiter returns to the kitchen triumphantly]
Later...
YOU: ... and the doctor looked at the X-ray yesterday and told me
that if I didn't have the operation, eventually it would
get so big that they'd have to cut off my---
[Waiter materializes from thin air, bends over the table to refill
the water glasses, coming in between you and her.]
WAITER: Go ahead, don't let me interrupt you.
[You pointedly ignore the waiter, drumming your fingers on the table top.]
HER: Well, go on, what was it they would have to cut off?
[You stare helplessly at her while the waiter refills the salt and
pepper shakers at your table.]
HER: Come on, aren't you going to tell me?
[The waiter finishes with the condiments and moves away.]
YOU: [recovering your composure and remembering the gravity of the moment]
Well, it's no big deal, they just may have to remove my---
WAITER: [turning back in a lightning maneuver] Excuse me, I nearly forgot
the tabasco sauce, here you are.
Another victory. Later...
YOU: [looking around to make sure the waiter is nowhere in sight] ... and
I just wanted to tell you, every time I'm with you I feel like
the world is new, and my heart fills up with---
[A dessert tray appears by the table, the waiter sprinting to get it there
in time.]
WAITER: Some dessert? We have plain cheesecake, chocolate cheesecake,
chocolate chip cheesecake, chocolate fudge cheesecake, dutch
chocolate cheesecake---
YOU: NOT NOW! [Attempt to get back into romantic mood, ignoring waiter]
My heart just fills up with---
WAITER: Okay, I'll come back later. Can I bring you some coffee while
you're making up your mind?
YOU: [trying to drown him out] MY HEART JUST FILLS UP WITH---
HER: Did you say bittersweet chocolate cheesecake?
WAITER: I'll see if we have any left.
[Game, set, and match]
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Bar jokes
33 hits
